Show up even when it’s not convenient

For my 32nd birthday this past weekend, Vadym planned a day of nature, modern art, and Japanese food in Fort Worth. Then, on Monday, my actual birthday, he took the day off, and we delighted in hours of poolside reading and soaking up the sun. For dinner, we went to my favorite dumpling spot in Dallas, Fortune House, and somehow had room for ice cream next door at Jeni’s. The long weekend balanced adventure and relaxation—exactly what I needed. 

A couple of weeks ago, I watched the 40th birthday party scene in The Idea of You and thought, “That’s what I want when I’m 40,”—local friends I can make memories with and share a sense of belonging. People I genuinely click with. I had this as a kid and a semblance of it in my early twenties when proximity, live music, and parties were the links for most of my friendships. Since then, most of those friendships have either evaporated, splintered, or become less prominent because of physical distance, a change in compatibility, or both. 

Since moving from California to Texas, I’ve made friends. However, knowing I might move again soon, I held back from genuinely deepening most of those connections. While I cherish the long-distance friendships that have endured, nurturing them across the miles can be tough, and I’ve hesitated to add more people to that challenge. 

As I start another year of my thirties, right before moving to a new city, it’s feeling like an excellent time to cultivate an in-person community again—one that is fun and also consistent through the highs, lows, and everything between. Now that I’ve spent a few years mainly keeping to myself, I want to make more of an effort when we’re in Houston since we’ll have more years to plant roots. 

Let me manifest quickly: I will meet people with similar interests and values who live within a 15-minute drive. Too often, I have clicked with a new friend only to find out we live far apart, making hanging out infrequent.

At the same time, I’m challenging myself to show up for friends even when it’s not convenient. Sometimes, we can be too rigid with our routines and boundaries, or even the slightest inconvenience can feel like the last straw to snap our tired selves. Some flexibility could do us some good. 

Since 2020, many of our friendships and the way we interact and spend time together have changed. Many of us have had to reckon with what that means. How much do we value these relationships? Who are we to each other now?

Marta, the creator of one of my favorite bookish accounts and newsletters, Litulla, recently likened connecting with her inner child to that awkward feeling of meeting with a friend you know you’ve outgrown. For example, when “there’s nothing in common anymore, no repertoire, nothing meaningful to talk about.”

That can be a hard pill to swallow. But I’ve read enough books on friendship to finally understand that not all drifts are malicious or should be taken personally. In The Friendship Formula by Caroline Millington, she talks about different levels of friendship and research that found that people generally only have the capacity to maintain five close friendships at a time. A romantic partner takes up two of those spots. So, I’m down to three, then?? This puts things into perspective. 

Maybe we should give ourselves more grace when we feel friendships slipping away or morphing. Just because you’re not as close as you once were doesn’t mean they can’t still hold a spot in your life. Their spot may naturally shift to a different level. If they are truly important to you, you’ll find a way back to each other. Or, you can be grateful for the time you shared, move on, and focus on those nearest and dearest. 

Let’s return to my current practice of showing up even when inconvenient.

A recent attempt at this was driving three hours to Austin for a friend’s baby shower and returning to Dallas the same day. I almost didn’t go because a hotel stay was out of budget, and driving in one day alone didn’t feel safe. Thankfully, Vadym offered to drive and drop me off so I could be a passenger princess and attend the celebration. Since my friend and I have minimal face-to-face time (distance strikes again!), figuring out how to show up was my way of saying, “Hey, just in case you weren’t sure, you are important to me. Thank you for including me in your life.” 

The trip was a step outside my bubble of convenience. Between my love for quiet alone time and Vadym's convenient status as my favorite person to hang out with, I haven’t been prioritizing in-person connections. But there’s space in my heart for others, and if I want them to be in my life, I must consistently show up in theirs. 

My social battery will always need some recharging, but I’m excited about the chance to have a sense of community in this next chapter. Here’s to year 32 and keeping my heart and calendar open for the connections to come, both new and rekindled.